“F*ck You and Your Free App Too!”

I’m pretty excited to write this post, as a developer, I sometimes get the wackiest, most fucked up reviews one can imagine.

Over the course of a few years I’ve noticed various trends common among these douche bags. Whether it be the guy that jumps straight to personal insults, “my 3 year-old could code a better piece of sh*t than this,” or the dreaded 1-star-drive-by, “sucks sucks sucks sucks crap sucks,” shitty reviewers tend to be about as original as a Starbucks franchise.

To make my point, I decided to check out some bullshit reviews people posted on a top Android app. In this case, I picked Twitter – one of the top apps on Android with a 4.1 star average over 100,000+ reviews. Twitter seems like a pretty solid app, I have no major complaints with it, so I was curious to see what people could come up with to bitch about. Luckily, Twitter did not disappoint.

 Mr. Shortsighted

This asshole loves to forget about the good times and focus only on the bad times. He doesn’t care that the app worked perfectly updates 1.0.1 through 7.8.9, no no no, YOUR APP IS A 1-STAR PIECE OF TRASH EVEN THOUGH EVERYTHING ELSE WORKS GREAT!

Do you think he changes his review to a positive one when everything’s fixed? Me neither.

The Visionary

Your app has over 100,000,000 installs, but it’s a terrible idea and you should just stop… “WHY make such a useless app????” Is there really anything more to say?

Actually yes there is, mostly just because I like to hear myself speak, but also because this guy needs to stop using 3-4 fucking question marks each half-sentence, it’s infuriating!

The Novelist-Turned-Beta-Tester

Most developers I know love reading long-winded stories attached to 1-star ratings. We often set aside special three day weekends, like Christmas, for these…

Lady, it’s called a bug report. Try sending one instead of leaving a 1-star review.

The Basic Bitch

If Lequasha was able to, she’d rate zero! ZERO people! Are you even listening?! Lequasha is starting to even hate this app… Hate’s a strong word, but Lequasha knows this! I bet you’re listening now!

It’s Getting Out of Hand…

It took me 10 pages of reviews to find these gems on Twitter’s Google Play page. It wasn’t hard to find others, but I wasn’t smart enough to come up with any material around those ones…

It’s been forever since Google updated the algorithms concerning Google Play reviews. Sure, they introduced Google+ integration in an attempt to make reviews more personal and less offensive, however, it looks like Lequasha just don’t give a shit. Neither does Debra, Lu, nor Nathan. So that obviously didn’t work.

It Sucks, But I Have an Idea…

However there’s still hope. From my “extensive” research I was left with a feeling that the people who post these reviews are pissed off. Seeing as pissed off people tend to stay pissed, it wouldn’t be too hard for Google to ignore reviews from those who troll 1-star ratings consistently.

Really, how hard would it be for the master of algorithms, Google, to spot a 1-star bandit leaving 5 consecutive 1-star ratings on 3.5+ star apps? It wouldn’t be. Keep the ignore-hammer silent (nailed it) and the troll will never know, continuing happily down their path of destruction blindly, forever!